Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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