I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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