My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
