He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
