3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I faked an abortion last night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
