Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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