I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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