so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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