You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
