Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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