she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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