i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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