"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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