yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
