Your mouth is God's brothel.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
