update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
