I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
