I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
