Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
