Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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