he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize