Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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