Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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