Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
