I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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