I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize