You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
