I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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