Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
