Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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