I hate your face
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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