No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
