i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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