I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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