Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
