So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
