I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
