Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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