I need help removing her.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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