she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize