i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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