Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
