I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
