I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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