I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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