even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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