wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
