I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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