I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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