the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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