You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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