Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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