you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
