Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Alive.
So much puke
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
