Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
