I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
