life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
