I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
