my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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