whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
