He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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