Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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