Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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