She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize