i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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