at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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