On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
