I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
